Our 10 year old surprised me by saying this at bedtime a couple weeks ago when the coronavirus wave finally hit the US.
Even the kids can see that our family journey of the last two years is strangely similar and preparatory to what the world is experiencing right now.
In October 2017, our sweet little girl, then five, who'd had a chronic rash for several years which would fluctuate in severity, gradually became much worse. By the end of November, large patches of her skin were thick, purplish, weepy and bleeding, and very itchy in the evenings and through the night.
We'd been working on her overall health and internal issues for years, but her symptoms had mostly been manageable. This development escalated the situation to emergency status for us.
Our family's social life came to a screeching halt. We were homebound most of the time, and our whole lives revolved around getting our sweetie better.
She couldn't be alone for a minute, for fear she'd scratch her raw and weepy skin. We went on a special diet that required constant cooking. Steve or I had to stay with her for 1-2 hours at bedtime every night, distracting her from scratching til she fell asleep. And then we'd be up with her later that night--every night--for one to several hours. And her protocol often took up the rest of my day when I wasn't cooking.
Then there was the added challenge of having a sick child. I've had my own chronic issues for years, but this was probably even harder, both watching her suffer and trying to help her through, and also the challenge of getting her to do the protocol.
Not to mention the stress, the trauma, and the ravages of sleep deprivation, along with all the heart issues God was working on.
Whew. Even now it's hard to believe we made it through those two years.
Truly, the Lord gave us strength for each day. And each night. Day by day. That was the ONLY way.
There's so much more I could say, but I'm just trying to give you a snapshot. Yes it's hard to be homebound right now as a preventative measure, while we're well, but it's 10 times harder when your family is sick.
...and everyone else is normal. In case that helps put our current "lockdown" in perspective.
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Now that I've set the stage, I want to explain one of the bazillion lessons God taught me during this time, that may be helpful right now. Actually, it has been helpful for me to reflect back and relearn this lesson--with some fresh insight added in, as God continues to work in my heart and set me free.
Fear.
There's good fear. There's bad fear. And trust me, I haven't figured all this out yet.
But here's what we experienced.
That was good and right and healthy. In fact, if we hadn't taken action, and put everything of lesser priority on hold so that we could meet this urgent need, we would have been negligent parents.
We were responsible to act. And by God's grace, we acted.
But then, something strange happened. Or actually, not strange at all. Totally human and natural. But not healthy, helpful, or good.
The fear grew. It kind of took over and acquired a life of its own.
Much like children do, actually. Or parasites. Or weeds, or clutter, or Facebook. Or really anything that grows unchecked, or that we do not put firm boundaries around and constantly maintain those boundaries.
Anything that becomes an emotional focus can quickly get out of hand. And just like parasites, or greed, or lust, that kind of fear is never satisfied. It will back you into a corner and will keep going, until it strangles the very last breath out of your lungs.
It took me a long time to realize this was happening. And it was all part of God's journey for us. But He finally opened my eyes to realize it was my fear that was bossing me around alot of the time.
And that the more "ground" I gave it, the more I gave in to it, the more decisions I made based on it, the more it would keep taking, and taking, and taking, til there was nothing left of me. Until we couldn't do anything and would be completely paralyzed, by fear.
Which would be even worse than the itchy rash, the sleepless nights, the daily struggle to keep my head above water.
I was the only one who had the power to change this, for myself at least. And in my guiding of the family. Only I could start saying no to fear. Only I could take control again (and the farther into the corner you allow yourself to go, the harder it is to push back...but dum spiro, spero: while there's still breath, there's still hope!).
I had to start pushing back the fear. With faith.
I had to start deliberately taking risks and expecting God to catch us. Not stupidly...not deliberately putting my family in danger. But in little decisions where before the answer was an automatic no, or a "ummm, yikes....eek, [freak out]...noooo," now needed to be a cautious or perhaps an enthusiastic yes.
I realized that the germs had started out as our enemy, but now fear was our enemy, and that pushing back fear and even "running into it" was the thing that would be most healing, at that point.
In God's perfect timing, He started showing me that not just food and caution and identifying triggers and deeper sleep was healing. But adventure was healing. Fun was healing (esp for this particular child). Getting out in nature was healing. Trying new things was healing. Letting go of absolute control and trusting God was healing.
And so we judiciously got outside again, pollen notwithstanding. We went rock climbing as a family (a dream come true!). We went swimming a few times. We went back to church. We ate out at a healthy restaurant here and there.
And it was...it was healing!
And we felt freer. And I could feel the death-grip of fear loosening from around our necks and hearts.
My sister wisely mentioned to me last year that, for her, health is about balance. And it was what I needed to hear at that point.
Yes, desperate times call for desperate measures. But once the desperation starts to clear, we need to start taking steps back out of the valley, in faith and confidence.
The same loving Shepherd Who led us down into the valley--for His Own beautiful purposes and for our good--is not going to leave us there (although we might leave ourselves there). At the right time, He calls us back out, and by faith we must follow.
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