A Time for Grief, and Gratefulness

June 9. I've gone back and forth on whether to post this on facebook and thereby "publicize" it. A big part of me wants to stay on the anonymous sidelines and keep a safe distance from the whole IBLP scandal, especially since it may have legal implications. But I keep coming back to the unshakable feeling in my heart that compelled me to write it in the first place. I have read only a few blog posts written by others in response to the scandal, but each has concerned and galvanized me. I want to give a voice to the many friends whom, I suspect, feel as I do. It's ok to be deeply disturbed by the revelation of things that  happened right under our noses while we worked with the ministry, and yet still be grateful for God's sovereignty in leading us to work there. It's ok to acknowledge the baggage we picked up there (in my case, legalism and false expectations of God/life that required at least two years of "deprogramming" in the "real world," and also the seeds of chronic fatigue that I now battle every day), and yet at the same time acknowledge the manifold good things that are still blessing our lives today (friendships, skills and lessons learned, lots of truly biblical training and knowledge of the Bible, a love for hymns and how they sounded in four-part harmony by a roomful of young voices, a love for serving and encouraging others, tools for teaching our children including Scripture memory and character qualities, photo albums of an incredibly happy Mommy surrounded by happy friends doing fun and silly things that my kids now look through...and the list goes on). It's ok to shun the bad and embrace the good. In fact, we must. Because in also shunning the good, we may be shunning God. So here it is...

I've written several blog posts in my head over the last few weeks since first reading the stories on Recovering Grace that led to Bill Gothard's resignation. It has been quite a journey, processing each piece of new information and what it means for past and present. Passing through many different emotions and states of mind: mild skepticism, speechless trembling acceptance of indisputable facts, preoccupation and sadness ("Mommy, why are you sad?"), revisiting questions I thought I'd put to rest--with now many more questions raised, sweet fellowship and like-mindedness when finally I talked to a couple friends and then family, more sadness when action was taken and Mr. Gothard eventually resigned and yet joy because this was the first step in repentance and restoration, and a partial sense of closure and satisfaction knowing that God was at work.

But this is the blog post that demands to be written. It won't let me go. And so to tame the swirling thoughts I will write them down, and hope that maybe someone can benefit by them.

These are the good things God is doing in my heart through this ordeal. Throughout, I've been thinking of my friends and how we each have our own private journeys in dealing with these...revelations. Private, because each person has to review his own story and decide what to do with this information, but also because now we are separated and scattered across the globe. Oh how I've wished we could all sit around the fire in the Staff Center (or, perhaps somewhere else now) and quietly talk through our feelings, questions, and insights. Here are some of the things I would share...

• It's a good time for soul-searching. Here I am as a mother of young children and five years into marriage. I need to make sure that what I believe and speak and tell my children is true and thoroughly Biblical. Let alone how I relate to my husband. I've been thinking and asking God to show me what I believe that is out of line with His Word. 

• It's been good to examine my own parenting. Am I enforcing personal preferences as law? Is it actually something wrong my daughters are doing, or does it just annoy me? In what areas am I being a hypocrite? Do I have one set of instructions for my kids, and a different set for myself? Do I think I am "above the law" in any way?

• It's given me an acute awareness of the need for God's protection and my protection of our little girls. The other day at a MOPS playdate, for a few minutes I had left the room where my oldest daughter was playing near two boys her age. She came upstairs and I realized she was upset and gently probed her with questions to find out what had happened. The boys had ganged up on her and were hitting her with large stuffed animals. That was all, thank goodness, but I made sure to make sure that was all. I would not have thought to do that before, nor would I have been so sensitive to her feelings. And now I'll make doubly sure not to leave her for a second, if I can, in a basement with other children and no adult that I trust. (Now to get the twins to cooperate with that plan. :) ) Also I have been praying  more often and more fervently for God's protection of our daughters, body, soul, and spirit. Ever since I graduated from a medium-sized Christian high school and realized I was the only girl in my class not to have even dated anyone thus far, I knew God and the angels were working overtime to protect me where men were concerned, and I can think of no other reason than my parents' prayers. So that gives added impetus to my prayers for our daughters, in this "crooked and perverse generation."

• I've been overwhelmed with gratefulness for God's sovereign leading in my life and specifically for the time I got to spend at HQ ("in Chicago" I now say, since "Headquarters" means nothing to those on the "outside.") This gratefulness is uncanny and came unbidden as I plodded through this journey, and can only be explained as a gift from God. I have countless good memories from my almost four years spent working and living there, and I really wouldn't trade them for anything. Reading back over my journals from those days, I am amazed at my closeness to God and my unbounded joy. No one can take from me my memories, my friendships (with some of the most amazing people I've ever met, with whom I had incredible fellowship few realize this side of heaven), and all the truths, skills, and lessons I learned. No one can take those from me, and I refuse to let them try. We all want someone to blame for our lives not going the way we'd planned. But we'll only make matters worse by blaming man for this God-sized problem we all struggle with. Dealing with God about the past and present of our lives, wrestling with Him, even being angry at Him in an honest yet teachable way, is far more productive than indulging in self-pity, nursing a victim mentality, or blaming other people. I have to take responsibility for the choices I made (like staying at HQ as long as I did, submitting to its leadership, working the hours I worked, not going to college, etc), deal with God about them, and move on, or I will never be free. In fact I will be more enslaved than ever, bound to the cult of the flesh.

• I've also been feeling grateful for God's work in my life, through the Institute and afterward. Of course, without the afterward I might not be as grateful. ;) But God routinely uses broken vessels (well, what else does He have to use?). In fact, that's what He's chosen and ordained to work through. Not to minimize Mr. Gothard's sin and hypocrisy one iota, but we are all sinners and hypocrites, and we're lucky God uses any of us to advance His kingdom and glorify Himself. The fact is, God chose to do a lot of good in my life and teach me a lot of things through Mr. Gothard (and the many wise people around him). Of course, then He led me on to be taught by other people, to help me rediscover true grace, and to get to work for and sit under a man who has a better handle on the subject than anyone else I've ever encountered. I drank it in! Sunday after Sunday I sat there stunned in my pew. And certainly, I'd never then nor now been so grateful for grace and the true gospel of Jesus Christ!

• I'm also grateful for my parents who have always "stood alone" for what they believed God was calling them to do, well before my family joined the Institute. (By the way, we joined the year I graduated from high school, so it was completely my choice to postpone college and join ATI with my family. I realize this puts me in a different category than those who grew up in the program.) It was their commitment to Christ and taking Him at His Word, and a desire to follow Him no matter what the cost, that drew them to the Institute, as with so many. 

I do have one word of caution for my friends and others who were involved with the Institute. I'm not on Facebook much, but I have detected an attitude of disdain for Mr. Gothard (not just on FB), a superiority, and that concerns me. Have we been rescued from judgmentalism and introduced to grace, only to fall back into judging, and toward one who needs grace the most? We who idolized Mr. Gothard, are we now to swing to the other unhealthy extreme of disgust? Mr. Gothard is now an old man, and he will answer to God for how he spent his life. But we are young (well, kind of), and how we respond to this will help shape the person we are becoming, the person we will be when we are old. I pray that I and all of us respond as God would have us to, with humility, soberness of mind, "looking to ourselves lest we too be tempted." Perhaps God is looking even more closely at our response than at Mr. Gothard's. Now that's a scary thought. Not that I want to set up myself as superior either, please God! no more of that. But I plead with all of us to be "checking our hearts through this whole thing," as one friend so aptly expressed to me by email the other day.

In that same email, the friend expressed my own thoughts so well: "We did our sacrifice to the Lord and not unto Bill so we don't regret or have any bitterness toward him. I only wish that there had been more discernment on my part." Friends and family have helped me so much by having a humble attitude and putting into words my own struggling thoughts. And that's been my goal as well in writing this blog post. Help us, Lord Jesus...in this as in all things, we need YOU!

I wrote this a few weeks ago and then let it sit for a bit to make sure it wasn't written in haste and to let God bring anything else to mind or lead me to take something out, etc. With much love and affection to all my former-ATI brothers and sisters out there!! I realize we all have different experiences and responses, but this is mine.

Re the photos, these were some of the few that had only me in them and that's why I chose them...I didn't want to "incriminate" anyone else. ; )