Give, receive, love!

God loves to give. "For God so loved...that He gave..." John 3:16

And God loves to receive. Namely, glory, thanks, and praise. "Shout for joy to God, all the earth; sing the glory of His name, give to Him glorious praise." Psalm 66:1-2

So He gives to us. And gives and gives and gives to us, all things. "What do you have that you did not receive?" I Corinthians 4:7

So that we have something to give back to Him. "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice...which is your...worship." Romans 12:1 "Through Him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge His name." Hebrews 13:15

Meanwhile, we humans love to receive. "Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24

And we love to give. "'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" Acts 20:35

This is the beautiful cycle of love that He made possible in Christ Jesus!

(And even this insight, this glimpse, is itself a gift from Him, and I offer it back to Him and to you, and praise Him for it! Ha, what joy!)

Broken cisterns

My kids are God's Textbook on Life for me, filled with lessons and analogies. And I've heard other parents say the same. God is constantly prying my eyes open through them and saying, "See, that's you. That's how you're treating Me when you're bent on your own way. That's how I feel when you're ungrateful for My many blessings...for even giving you life. See, that's how my heart sings when you obey Me cheerfully."

My Textbook is chock full, but I want to try to capture more of these valuable lessons on "paper" (so I don't have to relearn them...again!). And because they are truly beautiful and precious to me.

Just now I was disciplining Cora for wrecking Annelise's block structure. Cora was fighting me and passionate about returning to the table because Annelise was going to take all her blocks. I told her, "Who can take care of that? Can Mommy make Annelise give you back the blocks you need?" Whimpery "yes."

Cora's goals were wrong, or rather, out of order. It was not wrong for her to be worried about her blocks, of course. But her primary goal should have been to make things right with Mommy and Annelise, and to make sure her heart was right with God.

But instead she was focused on justice for herself.

So, she could disobey Mommy, and run back to the table to wrest some kind of skewed justice for herself...which incidentally would result in further discord and injustice, with either Cora not actually getting all the blocks she needed to play with or Annelise having too many of hers grabbed away.

Or she could obey Mommy, make things right with Mommy, and then let Mommy go back with her to the table and exact true justice. (Well, or a close approximation in human terms. ; )) And actually, I would be far more motivated to take up her cause and fight for her, the more obedient and submissive she was to me, and the more she looked to me to do so.

God has been drawing me to Himself this year, as I emerge from the "baby cave." Motivating me to spend time with Him. Showing me the importance of obedience and making Him my first priority. "Martha, Martha, thou are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needful, and Mary has chosen the better part."

If I'm running around, busy with what I think is important, trying to effect justice or righteousness in this world, apart from Him, nay in disobedience to Him if He's told me to seek Him first, then it's only causing more problems and not solving anything. But if I "seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, all these things [that I think are so important] will be added unto" me. Because GOD is the Source of everything I think is important. Justice, rightness, goodness, health, help for people, truth, money and provision, even (and esp) the building up of the Body of Christ. He is the Source of beauty, rest, answers, peace, happiness, strength, and harmonious relationships.

Lord, help me to seek You first! And then direct and go with me as I get my orders from You and leave the sanctum (or "war room") to follow them.

"...for My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water." Jeremiah 2.13

How much more will your Father...?!

He gives us gifts that He knows are going to compete with His place in our hearts. But He just can't help Himself...He's that generous of a Father, Who loves to lavish good gifts on His beloved children. What kind of a God is this?!

[Matthew 7.11]

My response to Ted Cruz's endorsement of Donald Trump

"Well, I'd better tell you now so you don't hear later and lose sleep over it," Steve said to me at dinner that Friday night. "Ted endorsed Trump."

Boom. Thud. Ugh. went my stomach. 

But I kept eating, because I was running out the door to a prayer meeting for women around the country, crying out for our nation. Well, I suddenly felt the urgency of prayer. And interestingly enough, that's where my thoughts on the issue turned.

I felt a little sick that weekend every time I remember that he had caved. This man who'd been a rock throughout his life, standing for Biblical truth, defending our Constitutional liberties, fighting for the oppressed and the unborn.

This man who'd been a rock throughout the primary elections, unashamed to associate himself with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and with Christian Americans. Apologizing (in a true, manly, Godly way) to Ben Carson at the debate when he didn't have to. But not apologizing to Trump for accusing him of having "New York values." (I love how he turned that situation on its head and apologized to the people of New York for their inept leaders instead!) And of course, his greatest moment, when he spoke at the Republican Convention, stood tall and unbending, bold and true, charging Republicans to vote their conscience. 

Only to cave? 

And so anticlimactically?

Sigh.

While he remained silent, while he refused to compromise his beliefs, while he stood beside his own words and actions...while he remained silent (with a silence that spoke a thousand words), he had power. But as soon as he spoke, and cast in his lot with his enemy, America's enemy...as soon as he moved a muscle even, and didn't just STAND firm, as he had always done, he became just another mere mortal, going the way of all flesh. And worse, for the higher one's standards, the farther his relative fall.

But that's ok. Because guess who was exalted in my mind when Ted fell? Jesus Christ. ....WOW, Jesus Christ. The only Man Who never caved. Who obeyed the Father in all things, even unto death. Who remained faithful to His mission--in times of exalted popularity, and even when even His best friends abandoned Him. Who set His face like flint to obey every jot and tittle of His Father's will, and refused to be lured by the end-justifying means offered by His worst enemy (Satan), or placated by false sympathy from His best friend (Peter), or intimidated by the dread in His Own heart (Gethsemane).

Of course, I am all admiration that Ted, or any other true Conservative or strong Christian in public service, has made it this far. I was amazed during the primary elections, at how much they travel, all the speeches and public appearances, having to be nice to people all the time, the interviews...the media! I'm thinking I could handle it for maybe a week, before I had a total public meltdown or slunk away to a cave in Outer Schlabovia, never to be seen again.

My other fresh reminder from all this is the reality of Washington DC. The power of the system. Of the establishment. And of the principalities and powers over that 10-square-mile diamond of a city. My city. [Reflective smile.]

The spiritual forces at work must be very strong indeed. They were when I was there, and it must be even worse now. I saw something of what Washington did to people. And experienced intense spiritual warfare myself. That's where I lost my first job--when I worked on the Hill for a year--yup, that's a story! A story of how power can corrupt even strong Christian leaders. And there's a host of Hill staffers who have their own stories to tell.

That's where I first experienced depression while working and living alone, that I believe was spiritual warfare. That's where I went places and did things I never thought I would, as I experienced the world I'd always been so sheltered from. It was a good experience in many ways, and God has redeemed much, but probably because my parents and others were praying me through.

And I watched others experience Vanity Fair as well. It's not that DC is all bad...I love that city and always will! My city, as I call it. But the temptations are manifold, the relationships can be shallow and conditional (thankfully mine were not), the pace is relentless, and there's a reason the turnover is two years.

I'm not trying to spill my guts here. I just want to remind myself and others who haven't lived there that our leaders are under incredible pressure from all sides.

And...there's something we can do for them. And for ourselves! Something more powerful than all the lobbyists on K Street. Something more powerful than letters and emails and personal visits, than marches and rallies and speeches, than praising or criticizing...though we should still do all these things. ; )

And that is to intercede for them before the King of kings and Lord of lords. The One Who puts down one and exalts another (Psalm 75:7). The One who appoints the authorities of the earth (Romans 13:1). The One in Whose hand is the king's heart, and as rivers of water He turns it wherever He will (Prov 21:1). The One who hardened Pharaoh's heart to show His power, and Who is "able to humble those who walk in pride" (Daniel 4:37). The One Who scoffs at the nations of the earth, their rage and vain plotting (Psalm 2).

Incidentally, praying for our government leaders is the best things we can do for ourselves. Want to lead a quiet and peaceful life, godly and dignified in every way? What is the very first instruction Paul gives his mentee Timothy on what he should do with his church?

"First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth." I Timothy 2:1-4

I started praying for our government leaders this year--the ones already there, the ones I don't like or agree with--just praying for them out of obedience to God. [Shaking of head, fluttering of eyelids, open mouth, trying to find words, duhh.....no, not while I was praying, but right now.] I was amazed. How. Quickly. Things. Changed.

LOL. No silly, not in the world. In ME!! My hard, unforgiving, stubborn, always-right heart melted for these leaders. Well, maybe melted is a little too dramatic and sappy. But my attitude did a 180. I was free! Free to see them as people and lift them up to God. And of course I have a long way to go (in regular prayer, and in my heart attitude). But there was a definite shift, a blessing of God as a result of sheer obedience. (Motivated, by the way, by God's promise of a peaceful life, which I definitely want for myself, my family, and my nation.)

Thank you, Ted Cruz, and ALL you public servants out there, for trying your best to lead us well, deluded as some of you must be, and human as we all are. God has you in your position for a reason, and I honor you for His sake. I know from experience that "leadership is a fire" and I am trying to add your name in my unique voice to the chorus resounding before the Throne.

What would happen if churches and Christians everywhere were really begging God to help and guide and bless and enlighten our leaders?!

Keeping up with the counterfeits

It's just too confusing. There are too many. Too many false gospels. Too many inferior products. Too many knock-offs and posers. Too many choices.

I love the illustration (and maybe one of my friends working in the government can verify this for me) of how the law enforcement personnel who track down counterfeit money do not bother to study every possible tweaking of the US dollar bill. How could they? God gave mankind boundless creativity, which fallen humans (me, us) may employ to bend and twist the truth in infinite directions. And the slightest bend or twist, if followed along its course, can project us far from the original. Rather, those personnel study and pour over and memorize and engrave in their minds the real thing. The official authoritative dollar bill, printed by the US government and bearing its seal, which alone has worth (um, a little at least...sigh).

What is my job as parent? What is our job as citizen, pastor, Bible study leader, friend? To exhaust myself with putting out endless fires, to be constantly shouting at my children for doing the wrong thing, to contort our minds with situational ethics til we don't know which end is up? To make a rule for every circumstance, to come out dogmatically on every issue based on my own understanding of what's right at that moment, to declare my soapbox passions clouded by reactions to my upbringing or past?

Or is it to study and pour over and engrave the Real Thing, God's revealed Word--the written expression of His decrees, stipulations, opinions, tastes, and ways of thinking and acting--into the pathways of our minds. To anchor our minds and hearts to the Rock of truth, so we won't be treading water adrift, sinking, grasping, clinging to anything that floats and pulling it down with us. To be so fixed on the gold standard that every aberrant religion, philosophy, message, and agenda immediately looks as fake and bankrupt as it is.

This is security. This is sanity. This is transformation (Romans 12:2).

A Time for Grief, and Gratefulness

June 9. I've gone back and forth on whether to post this on facebook and thereby "publicize" it. A big part of me wants to stay on the anonymous sidelines and keep a safe distance from the whole IBLP scandal, especially since it may have legal implications. But I keep coming back to the unshakable feeling in my heart that compelled me to write it in the first place. I have read only a few blog posts written by others in response to the scandal, but each has concerned and galvanized me. I want to give a voice to the many friends whom, I suspect, feel as I do. It's ok to be deeply disturbed by the revelation of things that  happened right under our noses while we worked with the ministry, and yet still be grateful for God's sovereignty in leading us to work there. It's ok to acknowledge the baggage we picked up there (in my case, legalism and false expectations of God/life that required at least two years of "deprogramming" in the "real world," and also the seeds of chronic fatigue that I now battle every day), and yet at the same time acknowledge the manifold good things that are still blessing our lives today (friendships, skills and lessons learned, lots of truly biblical training and knowledge of the Bible, a love for hymns and how they sounded in four-part harmony by a roomful of young voices, a love for serving and encouraging others, tools for teaching our children including Scripture memory and character qualities, photo albums of an incredibly happy Mommy surrounded by happy friends doing fun and silly things that my kids now look through...and the list goes on). It's ok to shun the bad and embrace the good. In fact, we must. Because in also shunning the good, we may be shunning God. So here it is...

I've written several blog posts in my head over the last few weeks since first reading the stories on Recovering Grace that led to Bill Gothard's resignation. It has been quite a journey, processing each piece of new information and what it means for past and present. Passing through many different emotions and states of mind: mild skepticism, speechless trembling acceptance of indisputable facts, preoccupation and sadness ("Mommy, why are you sad?"), revisiting questions I thought I'd put to rest--with now many more questions raised, sweet fellowship and like-mindedness when finally I talked to a couple friends and then family, more sadness when action was taken and Mr. Gothard eventually resigned and yet joy because this was the first step in repentance and restoration, and a partial sense of closure and satisfaction knowing that God was at work.

But this is the blog post that demands to be written. It won't let me go. And so to tame the swirling thoughts I will write them down, and hope that maybe someone can benefit by them.

These are the good things God is doing in my heart through this ordeal. Throughout, I've been thinking of my friends and how we each have our own private journeys in dealing with these...revelations. Private, because each person has to review his own story and decide what to do with this information, but also because now we are separated and scattered across the globe. Oh how I've wished we could all sit around the fire in the Staff Center (or, perhaps somewhere else now) and quietly talk through our feelings, questions, and insights. Here are some of the things I would share...

• It's a good time for soul-searching. Here I am as a mother of young children and five years into marriage. I need to make sure that what I believe and speak and tell my children is true and thoroughly Biblical. Let alone how I relate to my husband. I've been thinking and asking God to show me what I believe that is out of line with His Word. 

• It's been good to examine my own parenting. Am I enforcing personal preferences as law? Is it actually something wrong my daughters are doing, or does it just annoy me? In what areas am I being a hypocrite? Do I have one set of instructions for my kids, and a different set for myself? Do I think I am "above the law" in any way?

• It's given me an acute awareness of the need for God's protection and my protection of our little girls. The other day at a MOPS playdate, for a few minutes I had left the room where my oldest daughter was playing near two boys her age. She came upstairs and I realized she was upset and gently probed her with questions to find out what had happened. The boys had ganged up on her and were hitting her with large stuffed animals. That was all, thank goodness, but I made sure to make sure that was all. I would not have thought to do that before, nor would I have been so sensitive to her feelings. And now I'll make doubly sure not to leave her for a second, if I can, in a basement with other children and no adult that I trust. (Now to get the twins to cooperate with that plan. :) ) Also I have been praying  more often and more fervently for God's protection of our daughters, body, soul, and spirit. Ever since I graduated from a medium-sized Christian high school and realized I was the only girl in my class not to have even dated anyone thus far, I knew God and the angels were working overtime to protect me where men were concerned, and I can think of no other reason than my parents' prayers. So that gives added impetus to my prayers for our daughters, in this "crooked and perverse generation."

• I've been overwhelmed with gratefulness for God's sovereign leading in my life and specifically for the time I got to spend at HQ ("in Chicago" I now say, since "Headquarters" means nothing to those on the "outside.") This gratefulness is uncanny and came unbidden as I plodded through this journey, and can only be explained as a gift from God. I have countless good memories from my almost four years spent working and living there, and I really wouldn't trade them for anything. Reading back over my journals from those days, I am amazed at my closeness to God and my unbounded joy. No one can take from me my memories, my friendships (with some of the most amazing people I've ever met, with whom I had incredible fellowship few realize this side of heaven), and all the truths, skills, and lessons I learned. No one can take those from me, and I refuse to let them try. We all want someone to blame for our lives not going the way we'd planned. But we'll only make matters worse by blaming man for this God-sized problem we all struggle with. Dealing with God about the past and present of our lives, wrestling with Him, even being angry at Him in an honest yet teachable way, is far more productive than indulging in self-pity, nursing a victim mentality, or blaming other people. I have to take responsibility for the choices I made (like staying at HQ as long as I did, submitting to its leadership, working the hours I worked, not going to college, etc), deal with God about them, and move on, or I will never be free. In fact I will be more enslaved than ever, bound to the cult of the flesh.

• I've also been feeling grateful for God's work in my life, through the Institute and afterward. Of course, without the afterward I might not be as grateful. ;) But God routinely uses broken vessels (well, what else does He have to use?). In fact, that's what He's chosen and ordained to work through. Not to minimize Mr. Gothard's sin and hypocrisy one iota, but we are all sinners and hypocrites, and we're lucky God uses any of us to advance His kingdom and glorify Himself. The fact is, God chose to do a lot of good in my life and teach me a lot of things through Mr. Gothard (and the many wise people around him). Of course, then He led me on to be taught by other people, to help me rediscover true grace, and to get to work for and sit under a man who has a better handle on the subject than anyone else I've ever encountered. I drank it in! Sunday after Sunday I sat there stunned in my pew. And certainly, I'd never then nor now been so grateful for grace and the true gospel of Jesus Christ!

• I'm also grateful for my parents who have always "stood alone" for what they believed God was calling them to do, well before my family joined the Institute. (By the way, we joined the year I graduated from high school, so it was completely my choice to postpone college and join ATI with my family. I realize this puts me in a different category than those who grew up in the program.) It was their commitment to Christ and taking Him at His Word, and a desire to follow Him no matter what the cost, that drew them to the Institute, as with so many. 

I do have one word of caution for my friends and others who were involved with the Institute. I'm not on Facebook much, but I have detected an attitude of disdain for Mr. Gothard (not just on FB), a superiority, and that concerns me. Have we been rescued from judgmentalism and introduced to grace, only to fall back into judging, and toward one who needs grace the most? We who idolized Mr. Gothard, are we now to swing to the other unhealthy extreme of disgust? Mr. Gothard is now an old man, and he will answer to God for how he spent his life. But we are young (well, kind of), and how we respond to this will help shape the person we are becoming, the person we will be when we are old. I pray that I and all of us respond as God would have us to, with humility, soberness of mind, "looking to ourselves lest we too be tempted." Perhaps God is looking even more closely at our response than at Mr. Gothard's. Now that's a scary thought. Not that I want to set up myself as superior either, please God! no more of that. But I plead with all of us to be "checking our hearts through this whole thing," as one friend so aptly expressed to me by email the other day.

In that same email, the friend expressed my own thoughts so well: "We did our sacrifice to the Lord and not unto Bill so we don't regret or have any bitterness toward him. I only wish that there had been more discernment on my part." Friends and family have helped me so much by having a humble attitude and putting into words my own struggling thoughts. And that's been my goal as well in writing this blog post. Help us, Lord Jesus...in this as in all things, we need YOU!

I wrote this a few weeks ago and then let it sit for a bit to make sure it wasn't written in haste and to let God bring anything else to mind or lead me to take something out, etc. With much love and affection to all my former-ATI brothers and sisters out there!! I realize we all have different experiences and responses, but this is mine.

Re the photos, these were some of the few that had only me in them and that's why I chose them...I didn't want to "incriminate" anyone else. ; )

A Beautifully Messy Moment

The theme for MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) this year is "A Beautiful Mess: Embracing Your Story." And my particular MOPS group gives a prize each month to the mom with the best messy story. Maybe I'll win with this one!:

So I'm getting the twins ready for bed tonight in their room, like we do every night, and halfway through getting all the layers of cold-weather pj's on, Evelyn choked, coughed, and then threw up a decent portion of smoothie and white bean chili from supper. On the carpet, herself, the twin breastfeeding pillow that's only been used as a giant donut to jump on and sit in (and which I was hoping to sell, oh well), and into my cupped hands. I ran toward the bathroom, struggling to turn the doorknob on the closed door with a handful of vomit (sorry, but you asked for a messy story), and yelling for Steve to come upstairs. Which he did in lightening speed, since we used to do this all the time when Annelise was spitting up large portions regularly. With a roll of paper towels of course.

He let all the kids jump on the guest bed in Cora's room while I cleaned up the carpet in the other room. We have this special kit that takes any stain out, but that carpet may still be green in the morning and require another round. Finally I went into the room full of jumping, squealing little girls and a watchful daddy looking on, making sure no one fell off the bed. I finished getting them dressed and they played a little more. Then I offhand said to Steve, "Could you go get the sleep sacks and humidifier....ahhhh!!! ahhhh!!! the humidifier..." We were both thinking the same thing as he raced lightening speed back down the stairs.

You see, last winter when we had to fill up a million humidifiers every night for the kids' rooms (at a time when that was the last thing we had time for), Steve had the brilliant idea to rig up a hose that attached to the spigot on the fridge (where we get filtered water) and ran down into the humidifier basin, and that way it was hands-free and you could, say, do the dishes while it filled up, keeping an eye on it all the while lest it overflow. This really was brilliant, and sure beat standing at our slow fridge spigot, filling up glass after glass, and pouring each gingerly into the humidifier, usually spilling some.

Of course right before Evie had spit up, I had asked him to fill up the humidifier for her room, and of course he left the water running when he lighteninged upstairs (with little lightening at his heels).

My fears were confirmed as Annelise called up the stairs, "There's a lake in the kitchen."

Daddy mopped it up while Mommy put both twins to bed. When I came down, he was in the basement. A bad sign. Sure enough the lake had replicated itself on the floor below, but much smaller thankfully. When I asked if he'd pulled out the fridge yet, he said no. Oh good, I said, because months ago a bottle of wine rolled off the top of the fridge and got stuck behind it. And that's when God's mercy was impressed upon me. One mess averted, at least! That would have been bad.

We got all the snacks and recipes and spices racks off the top of the fridge and I climbed on top (that was fun! after dusting it of course) and retrieved the bottle of wine...before we pulled the fridge out. It was pretty nasty under the fridge too (think vitamins that had rolled under and goodness knows what else, soaked), and probably needed to be cleaned out anyway. So now we have a mopped kitchen floor and a clean fridge, top and bottom, and one more good story to tell. I think we'll have another laugh, another sigh, and then pour ourselves a glass of wine! (if only we drank...so, filtered water?)