A little thank you, and a big one

Dear Jason,

Happy New Year! I want to commend one of your employees, Laura Polzin, for her time and attention yesterday. I brought in a 5 year old Powerbook, and she treated it with reverence and me with respect and kindness, and was very attentive while I explained the problem.

After a few minutes, she determined my power adapter to be the problem, not the laptop itself, much to my relief! It seems she had the same laptop years ago and it was her first Mac, so we had that in common.

Anyway, she brought out a new power adapter, and gave me a moment to think about purchasing it. I had just bought a new one two years ago and knew how expensive they are, and was on the phone with my husband discussing the option of looking online for a cheaper one. Laura came back and offered to give me the brand new adapter for free, in exchange for my old broken one, saying she was impressed I still had an older Mac and wanted to make it last as long as possible. I was amazed!! And speechless, and extremely grateful. I could not believe it, and neither could my husband. "She can do that?!" he said.

I left the store floating, and incredulous, and more loyal to Apple than ever. And needless to say, my “PC” husband was also quite impressed. Thank you so much for the generosity of your staff (who hopefully didn’t break any rules ☺), and I ask you to publicly commend Laura for making my day and making yet another diehard loyal Apple customer out of me than I was already!

Thank you very much! Janel



Dear Heavenly Father,

I want to commend your Son for making Himself a "little lower than the angels" to identify with me, for giving me His undivided attention whenever I call on Him, and for being kind and understanding as a Shepherd to His little sheep.

Thank you that He knows me and my problems, and sees beyond my petty weaknesses to my true need for a Savior. He also correctly diagnoses my soul sicknesses and carefully explains to me how to fix them. We have so much in common because He walked this same earth that I do, inhabited this same dying flesh, and He sympathizes with my infirmities.

He presents to me the answer to my biggest problem, and also reveals the price tag, and tells me to consider before purchasing. Then, when this has sunk in somewhat, He says to me "Surprise! It's free. All you have to do is give Me your old broken power source, and I will give you this new one, free of charge." How can this be? Of course I don't want the old one that doesn't even work, and I can't believe You'll give me the New One, this new life, new heart, new body, new power...for FREE! I can barely grasp this, and I can't wait to tell others. "He can do that?!" they will say.

Thank you, Father, for the generosity of Your Son in gladly and freely dispensing the good gift of Himself, and I know that You have exalted Him above all powers and authorities and given Him the Name that is above every name. And I look forward to witnessing that with my own eyes on the Great Day.

Thank you so much! Janel

From wonder to wonder

What a miraculous process this is. I don't understand how anyone having a baby can not believe in the Creator God. In reading week by week about her development, even a cursory pondering of the growth process reveals that only God could knit together a little human in the womb.

What does the heart form out of? Where does that first beat come from? How do the ears stop at the right place when moving up the head, and how are they always symmetrical? The eyes as well? Where do the ligaments and tendons start, at one bone or muscle and amazingly reach across to the right place on the other muscle? How does the placenta form from the baby and why does the baby not become tangled in the cord? How do all the organs form in the right place? How is our baby basically the same as every other in structure but completely unique in look, personality, fingerprints, and umpteen other distinguishing factors? How is this all possible? It can only be a miracle and the direct handiwork of God Himself.

My Dad has also been pondering these things more than usual as grandfatherhood has finally become a reality. He contests, and I agree, that the creation and development of a baby in the womb is even more miraculous than the creation of Adam from dust, but that because it happens every day, we miss the miracle. On Christmas Day after breakfast and before gifts, he read to us an article on all that happens with a baby's first breath outside the womb. The lungs, which have been maintained by the fluid-submerged body without yet conducting their function, expand and suddenly work the way they are supposed to for the rest of the infant's life. But the real mystery is how the heart changes its flow and very structure when the "hole" between its two sides closes over and fuses shut. You will be blown away by all that happens during the first minute after birth, and the ramifications of God's intricate design and His Son's confidence in it to become His Own creation.

The more I learn about our baby's development in the womb, the more I stand in awe (i.e. can't find words to express my wonder) of...God.

Prep for motherhood

Last summer, during my first trimester, when Peanut was still a secret and I was too icky-sick to be on my laptop for long, I had a few insights into how pregnancy was preparing me for motherhood, and I am finally writing them down.

The first one was Sacrifice. All of a sudden I am appreciating my Mom even more than I did, and according to my Mother-in-law that will only continue as I journey through my own motherhood experience. One day when I was feeling overcome by nausea, I witnessed a girl back-talking to her mom in a typically ungrateful teenage voice, and thought, "How dare you?? Do you realize how much that woman has done for you just in carrying you in her body for nine months?!" But the depth of sacrifice determines the heights of joy later when it brings forth good fruit. "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in the truth" (3 John 4) was a cross-stitch hanging on my Grandma's wall.

The second was Worry. Amazing how worry starts with conception, or the awareness of conception anyway. As soon as we know we're pregnant, there is something new to worry about, something we women think we have control over. If you forget to take your prenatal vitamin, you worry that the baby will be born with only one arm. If it takes more than 30 seconds for the doctor to find a heartbeat, you mentally prepare yourself for bad news. If I don't want to be the worrywart mom who can't sleep at night, I need to start now taking thoughts captive, surrendering my expectations to God, and coming to terms with even the worst my imagination can conjure up. "He knows what we need; He knows what we can handle; He will do what is best for our family."

The third came to me as I was walking out of the grocery store on a fine day in June and is my favorite. The better I take care of myself, the better I am taking care of the baby. It is so obvious now while she is in the womb, since she eats what I eat, breathes what I breathe, feels what I feel on an emotional and spiritual level. But I don't think God means that awareness to stop after birth. Moms need to take care of themselves, and to the degree we do, we are taking care of our families as well. "She makes for herself coverlets, cushions, and rugs of tapestry. Her clothing is of linen, pure and fine, and of purple [such as that of which the clothing of the priests and the hallowed cloths of the temple were made]" (Proverbs 31:22).

I pray these lessons can flower throughout my motherhood, and that you, my friend, will help me stick to 'em!

Happy in Millerland

I thought I'd include a recent picture (taken by the renowned photographer Garrett Reid) of me and my fabulous husband of 10.75 months! This was taken at Kerry's wedding on March 7 in the little chapel at Simpsonwood Retreat Center in Atlanta. It was a beautiful wedding and lots of fun! I was honored to be the matron of honor.

Time management and me

I have a strange relationship with Time. I hope no one else suffers from this constant struggle, but I imagine I am not the only one. I don't think I've actually put it into words in a significant way, but I wonder if the effort might effect some degree of freedom and release. So I will try.

A race. That describes my relationship with Time. (Is it strange to have a relationship with an inanimate object, if in fact that is what Time is?) I never have enough of it. The day is gone way too fast, the week, the month. My list is rarely finished, and in fact has few check marks because of interruptions of others' or my own making. Whenever I'm doing one thing, I feel like I should be doing another.

Of course this robs me of being fully engaged in the moment, of doing something whole-heartedly and thus well, of peace and patience and joy. Not to mention the stress that abides deep in my soul, weighing down my heart, stealing my life.

This problem is complex and deeply rooted (and sounds kind of silly put into words), but I wonder if the cure is simple. First of all, I am fighting a losing battle against Time. When will I give up and learn to live with unfinished tasks, enjoy the process, be satisfied with whatever I "got done" on a given day, rest in God's sovereignty, and...rest in God's sovereignty? I wonder if there the problem lies.

How can I still be dealing with this, even after a two-year rebuke called adrenal fatigue, that taught me so much about slowing down, about "being" vs "doing," about the imperative of rest and how it is not a state of inactivity, but an attitude, a letting go? It's as though as soon as I get much of my energy back, I'm at it again. Taking back control. I was so out of control before, so obviously weak, that it was easier to throw up my hands and not care as much. The depression and helplessness I felt perhaps freed me in some respects, but is that real freedom? Truth be told, I think I still obsessed over how to use my time most wisely, with the things I was still able to do.

That's it: obsessing over using my time most wisely. Most...productively. What is it I'm supposed to be doing? Is this activity worth the time and will it take me where I'm supposed to be going? Where AM I supposed to be going? These are the thoughts that haunt my solitary hours. Not as much when Steve is home, though sometimes. Not when I'm hanging out with friends or doing something scheduled and social (most of the time). But during my "free time," when I am supposed to be making the most of my precious time.

(I think bringing these thoughts to light really is helping, or will.)

Am I OCD? Why can't I just be a simpleton and enjoy the moment and whatever my hand finds to do? Or maybe not a simpleton, but a child. Oh for the joy of a child's "life in the moment"! When did I lose that? Was I any more or less out of God's will then than now? Oh for that childlike faith, the faith to play, the faith to let go, the faith that doesn't even presume it has control and leaves the timeline to Mommy.

But I am a responsible adult, and need to have something to "show" for this time. And I do. But somehow without the obsessing. And the faith that says, "I will do this now because it seems best to me, and I will focus all my energies on it, and I will leave the rest to God." Whatever your hand finds to do, do it wholeheartedly, as unto the Lord.

At the risk of a very long post, I will share some of what I learned, or rather God showed me (Oh help me to learn it, Lord!) yesterday and today. I got a massage yesterday, and it was a reminder to "be kind to myself," as my "Other Mother" told me when I was stressing over my handwriting on our wedding invitations. Her perceptive words found a place in my heart, and I wish I would remember them every day. (Aha, I predict the appearance of a note on the bathroom mirror.) God has put good things all around me. Don't miss them, Janel. Don't rush past them in pursuit of some other "good things" that you think He has.

What is His directive for how to use my time each day? "This is the day that the Lord has made [He controls Time; He has made it and dispenses it to His creation, second by second]: let us be glad and rejoice in it." He is the only god who wants His children happy. Not slaving away to earn their salvation, or replacing Him (what am I really doing? what's really going on in my heart, Lord?) with control, or doubting His ability to direct my path.

Doubt. I guess my basic problem is unbelief (wow, what a revelation). It's all there in Scripture. "The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord and He delights in his way." Psalm 37:23-24. "The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord." Proverbs 16:33. "In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:6. I have had these verses hid in my heart for years, but perhaps I need to take them out and meditate on them again. Perhaps I have been "leaning on my own understanding" which naturally happens if I am not constantly renewing my mind with God's truth.

Our Bible study is starting Proverbs this week, and God had some follow-up nuggets to the Lesson of the Massage for me in the second chapter. "...for He guards the course of the just and protects the way of His faithful ones. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair--every good path." So often He shows me that He is doing this. When some crazy coincidence happens that only a caring and intimate Designer could design. That convinces me I'm in the right place at the right time, doing God's will, doing exactly what He would chose for me to do.

Or maybe He's just blessing me regardless. Maybe I need to sit under Glenn Hoburg again and be reminded that God blesses us because of Jesus, period. The decisions I make with a pure heart, He will bless, even if I make a mistake. Even my mistakes are made right through His redeeming power! "Though he falls, he shall not be utterly cast down, for the Lord grasps his hand in support and upholds him." Psalm 37:24. Perhaps I should start living by my life verse: "The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Thy lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting; do not [surely You will not, you can not] forsake the works of Thy hands." Psalm 138:8.

A week with Frodo

I have been taken to task by a girl in my Bible study for not blogging enough. "I want to know what you're thinking!" she cutely scolded. That and my own inner scolding, plus a week of being sick with the accompanying slow-down and unconscious mental sifting to reveal what's really important, was enough to move me to click the "new post" button just now.

The hardest part is always starting, for me anyway, and the longer I put something off, the more monumental it grows, and the more profound that back-in-the-saddle piece has to be, says the Perfectionist inside.

Thus, I am going to turn the Perfectionist on her head by starting out with some simple observations from my week...on the couch. I was sick all week, as those I've complained to know, with a mysterious sore throat that did not develop into other symptoms, nor would it go away. The doctor said "virus" and "they usually last 5-7 days" which means that the virus germies are either getting stronger and aim to take over the world, or I've just been very lucky for the last 34 years. I've never worked so hard to kill the germs with such slow progress. So, my friends, watch your back.

Of course, one friend had a very bizarre explanation for my symptoms, right Jo?, but I won't weary you married people with that one, as I'm sure you've heard it before.

Now that I've finished (maybe) venting about my sickness, I'll tell you what the couch and I did all week. We watched all three Lord of the Rings movies of course. How I love them! And it was a treat to watch movies during the day. These observations stuck me upon this viewing.

Perseverance. That was how evil was defeated by far-outnumbered and out-sized (as in Frodo's case) good. Perseverance, and a hope that certainly defied reality.

Those who least wanted the power (Aragorn) and responsibility (Frodo) that were fated them, were most fit for the tasks before them. Humility is certainly the precursor for true leadership.

I could not get over how those on the "good side" with the power to force their will--wizard, elf, king-to-be--still allowed men, esp kings, to make their own decisions, and worked within their decisions to bring about victory.

Gandalf uses strong language with his enemies but especially with his friends. "Better is he who rebukes than he who flatters with the tongue..."

Thank God for stories so rich in colorful lessons for the "race of men."

Marriage is . . .

. . . wonderful!