Time management and me

I have a strange relationship with Time. I hope no one else suffers from this constant struggle, but I imagine I am not the only one. I don't think I've actually put it into words in a significant way, but I wonder if the effort might effect some degree of freedom and release. So I will try.

A race. That describes my relationship with Time. (Is it strange to have a relationship with an inanimate object, if in fact that is what Time is?) I never have enough of it. The day is gone way too fast, the week, the month. My list is rarely finished, and in fact has few check marks because of interruptions of others' or my own making. Whenever I'm doing one thing, I feel like I should be doing another.

Of course this robs me of being fully engaged in the moment, of doing something whole-heartedly and thus well, of peace and patience and joy. Not to mention the stress that abides deep in my soul, weighing down my heart, stealing my life.

This problem is complex and deeply rooted (and sounds kind of silly put into words), but I wonder if the cure is simple. First of all, I am fighting a losing battle against Time. When will I give up and learn to live with unfinished tasks, enjoy the process, be satisfied with whatever I "got done" on a given day, rest in God's sovereignty, and...rest in God's sovereignty? I wonder if there the problem lies.

How can I still be dealing with this, even after a two-year rebuke called adrenal fatigue, that taught me so much about slowing down, about "being" vs "doing," about the imperative of rest and how it is not a state of inactivity, but an attitude, a letting go? It's as though as soon as I get much of my energy back, I'm at it again. Taking back control. I was so out of control before, so obviously weak, that it was easier to throw up my hands and not care as much. The depression and helplessness I felt perhaps freed me in some respects, but is that real freedom? Truth be told, I think I still obsessed over how to use my time most wisely, with the things I was still able to do.

That's it: obsessing over using my time most wisely. Most...productively. What is it I'm supposed to be doing? Is this activity worth the time and will it take me where I'm supposed to be going? Where AM I supposed to be going? These are the thoughts that haunt my solitary hours. Not as much when Steve is home, though sometimes. Not when I'm hanging out with friends or doing something scheduled and social (most of the time). But during my "free time," when I am supposed to be making the most of my precious time.

(I think bringing these thoughts to light really is helping, or will.)

Am I OCD? Why can't I just be a simpleton and enjoy the moment and whatever my hand finds to do? Or maybe not a simpleton, but a child. Oh for the joy of a child's "life in the moment"! When did I lose that? Was I any more or less out of God's will then than now? Oh for that childlike faith, the faith to play, the faith to let go, the faith that doesn't even presume it has control and leaves the timeline to Mommy.

But I am a responsible adult, and need to have something to "show" for this time. And I do. But somehow without the obsessing. And the faith that says, "I will do this now because it seems best to me, and I will focus all my energies on it, and I will leave the rest to God." Whatever your hand finds to do, do it wholeheartedly, as unto the Lord.

At the risk of a very long post, I will share some of what I learned, or rather God showed me (Oh help me to learn it, Lord!) yesterday and today. I got a massage yesterday, and it was a reminder to "be kind to myself," as my "Other Mother" told me when I was stressing over my handwriting on our wedding invitations. Her perceptive words found a place in my heart, and I wish I would remember them every day. (Aha, I predict the appearance of a note on the bathroom mirror.) God has put good things all around me. Don't miss them, Janel. Don't rush past them in pursuit of some other "good things" that you think He has.

What is His directive for how to use my time each day? "This is the day that the Lord has made [He controls Time; He has made it and dispenses it to His creation, second by second]: let us be glad and rejoice in it." He is the only god who wants His children happy. Not slaving away to earn their salvation, or replacing Him (what am I really doing? what's really going on in my heart, Lord?) with control, or doubting His ability to direct my path.

Doubt. I guess my basic problem is unbelief (wow, what a revelation). It's all there in Scripture. "The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord and He delights in his way." Psalm 37:23-24. "The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord." Proverbs 16:33. "In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:6. I have had these verses hid in my heart for years, but perhaps I need to take them out and meditate on them again. Perhaps I have been "leaning on my own understanding" which naturally happens if I am not constantly renewing my mind with God's truth.

Our Bible study is starting Proverbs this week, and God had some follow-up nuggets to the Lesson of the Massage for me in the second chapter. "...for He guards the course of the just and protects the way of His faithful ones. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair--every good path." So often He shows me that He is doing this. When some crazy coincidence happens that only a caring and intimate Designer could design. That convinces me I'm in the right place at the right time, doing God's will, doing exactly what He would chose for me to do.

Or maybe He's just blessing me regardless. Maybe I need to sit under Glenn Hoburg again and be reminded that God blesses us because of Jesus, period. The decisions I make with a pure heart, He will bless, even if I make a mistake. Even my mistakes are made right through His redeeming power! "Though he falls, he shall not be utterly cast down, for the Lord grasps his hand in support and upholds him." Psalm 37:24. Perhaps I should start living by my life verse: "The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Thy lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting; do not [surely You will not, you can not] forsake the works of Thy hands." Psalm 138:8.